It’s no secret that I don’t “get” the whole Kardashian thing. The Jenny McCarthy’s of the world with their “vaccinations cause Autism” rants, the Miley Cyruses who rub their body parts on stuffed animals for a few million Twitter followers, and the Snookis who promote drinking as a talent make me both confused and a little sad for the new generation of young ladies who grow up with them as role-models.
I know, I know, I’m supposed to be a yoga teacher and therefore have empathy for all. And I DO. Just because I’m drinking none of the Kool-aid they’re promoting DOESN’T mean I don’t wish I could somehow help these poor lost souls who are single-handedly undoing any progress made by the feminist movement in the past 50+ years.
So, in the spirit of women helping women, I’d like to offer these ladies some free pointers when it comes to their yoga practice.
Maybe their $500/hour private yoga teachers are too bedazzled by the greatness in front of them to correct their alignment, maybe the superstar yogis are too busy posing for the yogarazzi to listen, or maybe the camera just caught them on an “off” day.
Either way, these women are about to seriously injure themselves, and I’m here to offer my help, free of charge. Just because I care.
1. PROTECT YOUR JOINTS:
Oh Kim, Kim, Kim. Your joints (not the kind you smoke) are precious, delicate, and easily injured, especially in the knees. Knee injuries are a bitch to get over, so do yourself a favour: place your foot on your inner thigh directly above the knee, or on your inner shin below the knee.
Also, yoga mats are on special at Walmart. Yoga should be practiced on a firm surface, in order to protect your feet and your ankles. I know a mat might not be as photogenic as a white sheet, but do yourself another favour and at least have your people photoshop the pretty props in AFTER you’ve finished posing. Oh, and your arms are supposed to be straight. Namaste.
2. SAVE YOUR NECK
Okay Snooki…if you’re doing what I THINK you’re doing, it’s supposed to be either Cobra or Upward Dog.
Right now you’re kinda flopping (literally) somewhere between the two poses. Or maybe someone’s asking you a question you don’t know the answer to, and you’re shrugging while raising yourself up to get a more sober look? The good thing is that unlike Kim, you have a mat, which can double up as a place to nap while you sleep it off.
When you wake up, what you want to do in either Upward Dog or Cobra is pull your shoulders back and down, LENGTHEN your neck, and ENGAGE your legs. Your pelvis can rest on the ground or lift off for an extra challenge. Your feet should be parallel to each other, not flopping out to the sides.
Imagine your head is an air balloon (no, really!) and it wants to float up, up and up. Otherwise you’ll end up in another neckbrace.
3. I HAVE A HUNCH…
Hey Jenny! I get what you’re going for, I really DO, and I appreciate the errr…. effort. Grabbing the foot, check. Lifting one leg, check. Dangerously close to becoming a hunchback, check.
You see, yoga is supposed to CORRECT the bad effects of bad posture, not create it. Your back should be straight here, and the hinging happens from the hips, not the hunch.
Also, I know it’s much more appealing for your fans if you tilt your gaze longingly towards the camera, but sometimes we have to be selfish. Try to keep your gaze straight ahead, and concentrate on your yoga posture. Don’t think about anything (check), but just let yourself be a void in the present moment. I believe in you.
4. ABSOLUT…ELY NOT!
Hola, Miley. I’m gonna put my detective hat on, and assume that you and Snooki have the same yoga teacher.
It seems you’re both a little torn between Upward Dog, Cobra, or drunk crawling. In your case, however, I see that you’re going the extra mile and trying to throw in some Plank feet. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying it’s not good to be ambitious or try new things. But in life, we have to make tough choices.
If you choose Upward Dog or Cobra, all you have to do is un-tuck your toes and straighten your arms. And if you simply want the vodka, maybe your people can take it a little easier on you and give you a smaller bottle, so you don’t have to work so hard to reach the top. Or maybe you can just stick your tongue out a little further. Face yoga is good for increasing flexibility in the face, did you know?